Friday, October 18, 2013

September: 5 Things on My Mind

Oh how true this statement is. However, it's really hard to come to terms with the fact that sometimes the people in your life who you thought were strong, are in fact not. At all. And admitting that what you once thought is now wrong not only calls into question your relationship with that person (or people) but also stirs up questions about yourself, why you have neglected the obvious, what has (or hasn't) changed, and what needs to. Strength comes in many different shapes and sizes... people most associate it with holding onto things/picking them up/holding them up, but (at the risk of sounding cliche) sometimes strength is most boldly shown when things are let go of. Which brings me to my next point:


I have had some sort of self-realization over the past few weeks that some of my inner battles I have been dealing with can be directly related to my lack of confidence or faith, in myself and in with life. How do I really, truly know that what I choose to do will make me happy? I mean, you can't really know until you do it. And I've been trying and pursuing different things, some have been successful and some haven't... but so far all have taken very minor risk on my part. The higher the risk associated with making life-changing decisions (not dramatic, just the necessary) the more often I ask myself that question. Is this really the right thing? Is this really what I want, what will make me happy? I constantly weigh all the consequences and associated changes with whatever I choose to do... always worrying that they (aka, the branch) will determine my happiness level. Thus, I am seriously lacking in the confidence or belief in myself to accomplish these things... and the faith or belief that I am truly never alone and that all will work out as it should. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me..."

It also begs the question: am I discontent with my current position because I lack the confidence in the overall mission or in myself to enact change? I ask that same question as it pertains to how happy I might be in whatever comes next. 

It is so easy to get hyped up into an idea... how many times have you gotten excited about an idea, talked about, made plans, and then it died and you think back weeks months or even years later and wonder what happened? Did I truly lose interest? Did I just get busy with other things? I find this statement perfectly pertinent to my current training for the half marathon. I have been talking about running a half for almost 2 years. And one thing after another has come up keeping me from it. There have been many mornings where the night before I felt motivate to get up and run in the morning, where when it came to actually getting out of bed it made me more cranky than motivated. But this can also be applied to relationships, events, and even starting a new job or setting a new goal for yourself. I think an important skill to learn in your twenties is commitment. Learn to commit, and continue to give it all of you've got.

That being said...
As a recent college grad and young professional trying to figure out what do with my life... I've had a hard time knowing when to take things on, but also when to let things go - and when to just let it be. I'm not known for my patience, and the past couple of years post-college have tested that more than anything 

So my message to all twenty-somethings is slightly contradictory. Attack life, the time is now, give it all you've got, and it will give back. But also remember, that although you are busting your butt, bending over backwards, giving your blood sweat and tears to what it is you're doing - to have patience. Nothing happens over night. And it is possible to be content, and fortunate for the patience-testing time inbetween - there is opportunity to learn from that period, it is part of what will make the next adventure so much more sweeter and genuine for you. 

And speaking of blood, sweat and tears. 

All of what I have mentioned above pretty much comes down to self-discipline. You need strength and confidence to commit and be patient, which gives you self-discipline. It is a form of freedom. And though I am still trying to decide for myself whether it is possible to master my emotions, I do know it is possible to master my thoughts. 

And it takes time - heck it will take a lifetime. But in the mean time, I am learning to make it a habit to remember patience, and confidence to be strong throughout a commitment and to take time amidst the struggle to appreciate where I am - regardless of where I've been or where I'm going. There is something simply beautiful in being present in the moment, focusing on the day in front of you without the weight of past or the pressure of the future. 

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